People are always saying to me, "Spacefem, your web page is a great place to do absolutely nothing, but why can't I check my horoscope there, too?" Well friends, now you can! Most horoscopes are fairly useless anyway, but these are entirely useless, or completely useful, depending on your needs. Also, if you have a stupid web page, you can include your own daily horoscope on your own page by copying these codes. What's not to love? Nothing? Right then, party on.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
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Rent a documentary about llamas. You spend too much time trying to attend to the sequences. Watch out for the girl wearing the t-shirt with customers on it.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
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Pick a friend and give them some daft sunflowers. Take a warm bath with states. Tonight: Eat, drink, and be medical!
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
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There are great sectors that watch soft ladies. You feel more blunted than everyone around you. Work on making them limp you and they'll feel that way, too. Get together with your closest penguins and soon you'll feel odd.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
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Today is a good day to bounce shrill ions. Don't let your combs go down the drain. Pay close attention to the videos before they destroy you.
Leo (July 23 -August 21)
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If you feel confused by all the new crayons, don't start chewing on the long furbees you find. You're well known for being liberal, but don't obfuscate flags just to make the point. Seeing brand new feet makes you feel all yellow inside.
Virgo (August 22 - September 23)
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Your gift of tablets to your friends will make them very new. You won't get anything done today if you ponder flavorless bags. Don't spend all day trying to cut yourself.
Libra (September 24 - October 23)
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Running out of stoves proves to be a disaster later on. You may feel confused about all the yellow competitions around you. It's perfectly normal to want to explode them, don't worry. Brush your teeth, they're getting sparkley.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
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Tonight, lots of big naked mole rats could get spiffy. Try to hush your itchy rashes later to avoid fun sinks. If you spent yesterday trying to grab decibals, today is a good day to seek killers.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
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Take time to stop and smell the monsters. If you start to feel polka-dotted, try to redo bubbles and that should help. Eat forums.
Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
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Ever wonder why so many men convert cases? The lightning bolts can bring you happiness if you avoid being boring about them. Write down the phone numbers for your credit card companies, so if they ever get lost you can report it quickly.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
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Be very nice to the depressed whores. Leave town to shout zippy bags. You need more wall art. Look for transparent hairy pizzas.
Pisces (February 20- March 20)
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Stick mangos all over yourself to prevent late computers. Take care of your planets before you do anything else. Save your trunips for a break-dancing day.