People are always saying to me, "Spacefem, your web page is a great place to do absolutely nothing, but why can't I check my horoscope there, too?" Well friends, now you can! Most horoscopes are fairly useless anyway, but these are entirely useless, or completely useful, depending on your needs. Also, if you have a stupid web page, you can include your own daily horoscope on your own page by copying these codes. What's not to love? Nothing? Right then, party on.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
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Watch out for the girl wearing the t-shirt with bumper stickers on it. If you get an idea for a song about reciepts, it will make you scary. Take time to stop and smell the pizzas.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
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Take care of your pickles before you do anything else. It's time to carry the torch for a new worthy cause: yellow whores awareness! The twigs will make you completely complicated for the rest of the week.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
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You get more love from your killers than anybody. You need more wall art. Look for new crispy verbs. It doesn't look like you can squeal at fun kumquats.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
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Leave town to ponder depressed tracheophytes. If you feel satanic, blame the prayers. Pick a friend and give them some purple dining rooms.
Leo (July 23 -August 21)
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The stars have never been so perfectly aligned for you to trip over customers. Seeing brand new hobbits makes you feel all spiffy inside. You're well known for being bounteous, but don't poop on wild boars just to make the point.
Virgo (August 22 - September 23)
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Start research for your big term paper on steep grasses. Eat more fruit. You'll be extra splintered until the late afternoon, when the time comes for you to boogie down with lunchboxes.
Libra (September 24 - October 23)
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Pin lazy cups to all your bumps. If you start to feel ubiquitous, try to walk all over potatoes and that should help. Don't let your giraffes go down the drain.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
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Tonight: Eat, drink, and be eccentric! Today is a good day to sleep with invisible men. Running out of bars proves to be a disaster later on.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
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If you feel confused by all the new aerosol cans, don't choke on the fun ladies you find. Ever tried to harm zuchinnis? You never know when you'll need to know about things like prunes and flames, so now is a good time to read up on them.
Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
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Ever wonder why so many pychos judge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Your gift of trunips to your friends will make them very shiny. Save your musicians for a purple day.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
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Brush your teeth, they're getting oozing. No one likes to trip over putrid monsters but you, so please, trip over putrid monsters alone. The internet is evil.
Pisces (February 20- March 20)
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Try the muffins, they're not as long as you think. Early today, you feel the urge to write to buildings. Has everyone around you heard the news about the stupid spheres?